More like King Of Fail.

Wow. I owe the makers of the KOF movie an apology.

See, I originally lambasted them for leaving out the Ikari Warriors. Instead, I realize they just blew me a big, wet sloppy kiss by leaving them out, as well as all my favorites.

Because trust me, this movie is going to be shitty. Like Toilet-in-the-back-of-the-worst-gas-station-in-a-small-hick-town shitty.

The only person that looks anything like a video game character in this is the woman. I assume that's Mai, but it looks more like a H-Doujin cosplay version of Final Fantasy 8's Rinoa Heartilly. I'd like to think that guy in the trenchcoat might be Iori, but I'll never know since the emo, brooding jackass is now wearing FUCKING HOCKEY GEAR.

Did I mention Terry Bogard, the "Lone Wolf", is now a CIA Agent? See, this is why I'm glad my faves are far away from this rectal remnant. Lord knows, Goenitz would be played by an Eskimo and selling hot dogs, Blue Mary would be a hooker played by Lil' Kim, and Geese Howard would be a crossdresser who's actually a chick.

The worst thing about this is that I know my parents are going to be like "It's worth a rental". Yeah, they tried to pull that with "Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-LI", a movie destined to fail when they took my fave villain from the Street Fighter universe- M. Fucking Bison- and made him Irish. For fucks sake, the only movie I can even think of with an Irish bad guy was Leprechaun, which, I might remind you, ended in space. It's sad to think Raul Julia actually got the better deal with his portrayal of the sick evil bastard. So, yeah, I'm avoiding this like the plague.

But wait...There's more! A NEW KOF GAME APPEARS!

I'd like to start off this rant with a little history lesson. Namely, this: Video games in Japan, like many of the country's pop culture items, can be named whatever the fuck they want, regardless of the content of the game. Doki Doki Panic (Heartbeat Panic), for instance, has almost nothing to do with hearts and isn't a particularly breakneck speed game. You should know this, since you played something very similar in Mario 2. Sure, for the most part, they actually contain what it says, but then, for the most part, their market is dating sims.

But I digress.

KOF XII was an unadulterated disaster. So my hope was that maybe, they'd rework it to work better. So when I landed on Destructoid and witnessed the horror spoken of above, I saw an ad for King Of Fighters: Sky Stage.

I thought "Okay, strange name, but since I have a game called Melty Blood: Actress Again, maybe it's just their way of getting us a remake!"

Oh, it's remade alright.

Now, I know a lot of people are going "Oh, those wacky Japanese game designers!" Me, I'm too busy with my trademark "FUCKING REALLY" to even go there. I know my friend Shadow loves shmups to death, but this is tragic. There's already a vast ocean of quality shmups available, I don't see any reason why anybody would be going "YAH DOOD BUT YOO CAN PLAY KOF GAIZ". Fuck that. Give me Dodonpachi "Jesus, there's only a bout 3 pixels of open space on the screen" version. I may suck at that, but at least the suck will be on my side and my side alone.

All I can say from this point on: KOF XIII had better be stellar or this series has had it.