Groucho Marx would be proud.

Dating sims are nothing new in Japan. Indeed, one only look at the Tokimeki Memorial series will tell you it's been going on for quite long enough, thank you very much. While I'm not big on the style of game, probably since I have enough menu based stuff to last me until Christendom, I can understand the appeal. Which is my nice way of saying this hobby attracts some horribly lonely motherfuckers. And while I have my qualms about the genre, I'm generally more likely to shrug, usually on my way to use a satellite cannon on several unsuspecting gits in SD Gundam G Generation Wars.

However, they must know that tolerance for such a medium is a bit of a tightrope walk. Beyond the people who think any love of Japanese culture = loser, there are still some who are just waiting for the genre to do something irreversibly stupid, to loosen the last piton on the rock and send it plummeting out of even the dark corners of gaming into the void.

Which brings me to My Wife. No, not the real one (well, as real as a yet-to-exist being is), the game sharing that title.

I know that Japanese game titles are allowed to not make any fucking sense whatsoever since English isn't their first language. But perhaps somebody should've alerted them that gaming terms and matrimonial ones do cross at a very unfortunate path. So be sure to tune in for the following old-timey accidental comedy bits.

• "Dude, I finally beat My Wife last night!"
• 
  
• "Is Wayne coming over tonight?"
• "Probably not, I let him borrow My Wife and I haven't seen him since."
• 
  
• "How did you get such a high gamerscore?"
• "I cheated on My Wife."
• 
  
• "Where's Paul?"
• "He's at the local Gamestop, probably going to trade in My Wife for Gungrave."
• 
  
• "Overall, X-Play gives My Wife a 3."

Thank you, I'll be here all weekend. Be sure to tip your waitress.

Now that we're done with the hinjinks, I have to say one other thing that they really, really need to not do, every again: If you're going to have a game where matrimony is the goal, for god's sakes, the last thing you need to do is put in a "Little Sister Type" or a "Big Sister Type" or ANY FUCKING SISTER TYPE. And if you're going to, at least change the flag on it to the Rebel flag. It's only fair.

Internet improvements.

First off, anyone else getting sick of this: Having to get up and adjust the volume on a youtube video because the fuckwit who encoded it can't set the audio level at anything below "audible in neighboring counties". The worst is with ads, which makes it sound like they're playing it through a shitty 1985 radio with bad reception at full volume right next to my fucking ears. Then, once this crackly, speaker-damaging, eardrum-busting air-raid siren's worth of advertising bullfuck is done, I can't hear the video I actually chose to watch because I dared to turn the volume down and keep my windows intact. It's irritating to have "HEY FUCKER JOIN THE GODDAMN ARMY TODAY!" blaring from my speakers and splitting the subwoofer on my 2.1 in half and then not be able to hear Static-X a few seconds later. I know the FCC is still stuck in the 30s, but can we bring back a standard from my childhood and have everything broadcast at the same decibel level, preferably one that doesn't drown out the F-15's flying overhead?

Btw, if anybody's pulling out the "If it's too loud, you're too old" line- how much you wanna bet every cocksucker that's ever pulled that line had to start wearing a hearing aid and have everything half-yelled at his stupid ass - twice - once he hit 50?

Also, can we suspend a business license for a website if I have to put in my user name and password every time I want to login, even though the first time I signed up and every time I've been at the authentication screen, the fucking radio button marked "KEEP ME LOGGED IN" has been ticked?! Did you think I was joking? Or does logic in coding elude you? Christ, I can figure out radio buttons and I don't run one of these things.

...Or not.

Just saw the screenshots for ACE-R. Still considering it.

Minus One

So, just got a hold of some of the blog translations for the info about ACE-R (PS3).

Series roster list is complete. No other series to be added.

1-3 Robots per series at most.

No Vocal Tracks.

So essentially, the KOFXII'd it. Lovely.

Not so quick to buy it anymore. Maybe I'll pick it up next year.

Return of The ACE, or Behold! A Game Series You Don't Play!

First off, some exciting news. I'll be moving soon, thankfully to a living quarters that doesn't require me to live in a room with temperature problems. Also to a room where I can:

A)Paint (!)

B)Install my own lighting (!!)

C)Install a few other things. (?)

(The last part is supposed to be me being coy and not telling you what I have planned. Suffice to say, I'll be a very happy gamer once I'm done.)

This + me going back to school full-time means big changes for me. I'm very happy about that, though it will most likely mean I'll have no time to game at all between now and Christmas. Thankfully, next year, I plan only on working part-time (26 hours at most) and school full-time with lighter loads in the Summer.

Anywho, a few check in notes:

Origin Gundam: Great movies, don't know about the series and don't want to- I know I don't get to see the Gundam Hammer, but I've used it enough in Gundam Battle Assault 2 to know what it is. Final scene with Char is one of the most awesome in all of Anime. Tem Ray is a cock. Amuro's actually tolerable in this one. Watch merely for the historic value, and because it's the last time Char Aznable is somewhat respectable.

Zeta Gundam: Good series that I almost didn't get through because the first episode got on my fucking nerves like no other. Protagonist is angsty and continues a proud Gundam tradition wherein the main character must end at least one episode crying like a bitch in his bed. At least Kamille's got good reason (and no, I'm not referring to his hang up about his name). Char fools approximately 0 people as Quattro Bajeena. Long series, weird ending. Watchable enough.

08th MS Team: Very well written Gundam series that relies less on the fantastic and more on the dramatic. It's also the series where I began to realize there's a formula for every Gundam series (and I mean just 1 for all of them), but it plays out well enough. Shiro Amada swipes the Supreme Dork award from 0083's Kou Uraki for a few episodes before becoming sufficiently awesome. Supporting characters are very well done, and Zeon actually looks somewhat respectable in this one. Theme song kicks ass. Watch it.

ZZ Gundam: In progress. AKA Slapstick Gundam. Lighthearted. Comedy's good, but mech designs are uninspired. Also, as good as the comedy may be, it reduces both sides to Grand Mal Herp Derp status on occasion. Enemies are especially idiotic when not being downright bizzare, and there's at least 3 so far that qualify for Trakdown's Airlock Fodder Award. Takes too long to become its own series. Verdict still to come.

Full Metal Panic? Fumoffu!: Fucking hilarious. Also Slapsticky, but it's supposed to be. Not really Mecha unless you count Bonta-Kun. Don't come in expecting the same thing as FMP and you'll get a kick out of it. Highly recommended.

Nerima Daikon Brothers: 9/12th's of the way through. Had to find the last 4 episodes with actual subtitles since my dialectic Japanese is worse than my Farsi, which I don't speak. Also fucking hilarious with great music by the same guy who did "Katamari On The Swing" from We Love Katamari. He also does some of the voice acting. Watch it!

Gundam F91- Way, way too brief. Obviously rushed into a movie, but still excellent viewing. Cecily Fairchild is Relena Peacecraft done right. Seabook Arno is the fucking man. Go ahead, watch it: It's not long and it's really well done.

Turn A Gundam- Have it, haven't watched it yet. Pringles Gundam still weird. More later.

Victory Gundam- Have it, watched one episode, went back to focus on ZZ since I was already a 3rd of the way through. Doesn't look atrocious....yet.

While we're on the subject of mostly Mecha, btw....THERE'S A NEW ANOTHER CENTURY'S EPISODE GAME COMING OUT FOR PS3!!!

Yep, thankfully, From Software also doesn't know the meaning of the word "final", even though their last ACE game was not just final, but The Final. Good news for us mecha fans. Not too pleased with the list so far, though it is nice to see FMP getting in on the action. My guess is that there's going to be a ton of DLC for access to previous Mechs, hopefully with their own storyline. Also, online co-op would be great. This and Gundam Extreme Versus (aka Bandai finally put the Gundam Vs. series on PS3 hardware) is making me a very happy gamer for this year.

And that's just imports.

Heavy Rain's demo, while the control is still unfamiliar, was a lot of fun and looks to be a wonderful experience. FFXIII...well, it could be fun. Yakuza 3 is a blast. Resonance of Fate looks awesome. Little Big Planet GOTY edition is now cheaper. 3d Dot Game Heroes, Super Street Fighter IV, BlazBlue Continuum Shift, The PS Move (okay, I need to try that out first), NBA Jam (might have to get a Wii again), Borderlands, Darksiders, InFamous...

All of that coming out this year or already out. Oh, and Portal 2 drops this fall.

The best thing? While I may not get to touch a gaming console for the next few months, at least I'll have plenty waiting for the next year. And I'll actually have time for it, among with other things I'm looking forward to.

My wallet am cry, but I'll be glad when it's all here.

The Kshatriya will haunt your dreams

Gundam Unicorn, the first entry in the Universal Century timeline in forever, is beyond solid- it's showing great promise. I can't think of any issues I had with the first episode other than the gigantic, yawning gulf of time between this release and the next; apparently we won't be picking up on the 2nd episode of 6 until this Fall. Then again, if it gets us this kind of quality, it's worth it. A few notes:

- Banagher Links: I haven't seen a Gundam protagonist like this in a while. Granted, that has to do a lot with still not having seen 00, but he's not your typical Gundam hero just yet. He's not overly angsty, he's not emotionless, and he's not constantly getting slapped, likely because of the first two points I just made. Granted, we're only an episode in, and I've already got the feeling in my bones that he's going to have the nearly-universal "crying in his bed" moment soon, but for now, he's the best main I've seen since Garrod Ran.

- Mecha Designs: Granted, part of the charm here is the crisp hi-def visuals, but they're pretty awesome and not incredibly ludicrous for being machines of death. The Kshatriya is ridiculous on paper (including its call sign, NZ-666) but it ends up coming off as legit scary; there's some 20-odd funnels coming at ya, and Marida Cruz does a hell of a job in matching the cold demeanor of the machine.

- Historical elements: I swear, if that's not Bernie's Zaku in the museum, I'll be shocked. Also, it was nice hearing the history report for Anaheim not mention Operation Stardust, the Grypps conflict, the Titans, etc. Looks like the federation still has its share of lying assholes.

- The score for the anime is AWESOME.

All in all, I'd recommend it- it's a great start, and so far, it's worth the purchase.

A horrible week for gaming.

Two things about gaming this week that utterly pissed me off.

DERP!!

1)Hakan. I actually am mad at myself for not being ready for this more than anything, but still, I feel I have a valid beef here. Turkish Oil Wrestling is not where I have the problem. Indeed, it's no more awkward than a Sumo walking out in public with naught but his traditional dress (as in clothing, not a skirt) and a loincloth. And even with his design, it's not like Street Fighter hasn't had an increasing interest in sideshow freaks like Necro, Twelve and Q.

However, his moves are well into Power Instinct territory, including a ridiculous Ultra where he gives the appearance of shitting out his opponent. Congratulations, SF fans: you now have your Bo Rai Cho, a character that adds nothing to the proceedings other than being sorely out of place and goofy. Might as well have him rip a huge, loud one when he does it.

Now, you might be saying "But Dan's in there and you don't have any problem with him!" No shit! Dan's hilarious because he's a rip on SNK and a clumsy ass fighter. This jackass, though?

Ono really needs to be slapped hard. He's had 3 new characters that are worth a shit in the game. The rest have been shallow jokes. Enough with the goofy, pseudo-humorous abortions- no more cooking lucha fighters, no more fatass Bob ripoffs, no more Dural clones and enough joke characters, for christ's sakes. I haven't been this turned off on SSFIV since I found out Adon's going to be shit tier and we're getting Cody and not Rolento.

2)

DERPITTY DERP!!

Yep. It's happened.

Now, my hope is that since Sony has a software wing that's actually interested in something other than the umpteenth iteration of Zelda or massive mascot fanwanks, maybe they'll actually produce software that's worth a damn. They already have the better model- they got out a solid console with a solid library and they are aligning this as what it is: a peripheral. Good. And I realize the idea is to open up the market and snare some of the people in the "Wii" market.

The problem is that Sony's already done a hell of a lot right, even without this stupid shit. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Nintendo's marketing department(s) are the big reason it's succeeding, more so than the tech. I'll gladly be proven wrong. But to me, it's a cynical look towards a market that I really don't think has as much staying power as people may say. And I worry that we're going to start losing resources that could be used much more intelligently elsewhere.

Again, I'll probably have to get over it- this isn't a reach out to me, the gamer since 1984. For me, a controller must simply be adequate. And my DS3 is already way ahead of motion tech in that respect.

What's really bugging me is we still have the overwhelming knob-slobbering over Natal to face.

Other irritants of note:

- I love me some Penny Arcade, but Tycho's latest post re: Final Fantasy XIII, PS3 VS. 360 edition, is such a meandering two-step around his disappointment in the PS3 having the better version that it's almost nauseating to read. Especially when he eschews his own advice of buying the better version if you already own both systems in favor of buying a copy for each system. Yep, he owns both- his justification is that this somehow amounts to support for it being on more than one system. A Solomon-like decision, and just as intelligent in the long run.

Dude, seriously: pick one. There's almost no reason for you to be double dipping on a fucking video game, least of all out of some cavalier notion that it's a vote for multi-platform releases. I can understand a gamer who picks the 360 Version because he'd rather have it on 360. If it's for quality reasons, he's wrong, but I understand it. What I'll never understand is essentially paying $120 for one game. Not for Tony Hawk, not for Final Fantasy. Just buy your 360 copy, condemn the goddamn resolution comparisons and be done with it. You know you want to.

- Finally, Portal 2. I'm not mad about the game, but now I'm gonna have to build a new rig to make sure I can play it. Lovely. :/