The Kshatriya will haunt your dreams

Gundam Unicorn, the first entry in the Universal Century timeline in forever, is beyond solid- it's showing great promise. I can't think of any issues I had with the first episode other than the gigantic, yawning gulf of time between this release and the next; apparently we won't be picking up on the 2nd episode of 6 until this Fall. Then again, if it gets us this kind of quality, it's worth it. A few notes:

- Banagher Links: I haven't seen a Gundam protagonist like this in a while. Granted, that has to do a lot with still not having seen 00, but he's not your typical Gundam hero just yet. He's not overly angsty, he's not emotionless, and he's not constantly getting slapped, likely because of the first two points I just made. Granted, we're only an episode in, and I've already got the feeling in my bones that he's going to have the nearly-universal "crying in his bed" moment soon, but for now, he's the best main I've seen since Garrod Ran.

- Mecha Designs: Granted, part of the charm here is the crisp hi-def visuals, but they're pretty awesome and not incredibly ludicrous for being machines of death. The Kshatriya is ridiculous on paper (including its call sign, NZ-666) but it ends up coming off as legit scary; there's some 20-odd funnels coming at ya, and Marida Cruz does a hell of a job in matching the cold demeanor of the machine.

- Historical elements: I swear, if that's not Bernie's Zaku in the museum, I'll be shocked. Also, it was nice hearing the history report for Anaheim not mention Operation Stardust, the Grypps conflict, the Titans, etc. Looks like the federation still has its share of lying assholes.

- The score for the anime is AWESOME.

All in all, I'd recommend it- it's a great start, and so far, it's worth the purchase.

A horrible week for gaming.

Two things about gaming this week that utterly pissed me off.

DERP!!

1)Hakan. I actually am mad at myself for not being ready for this more than anything, but still, I feel I have a valid beef here. Turkish Oil Wrestling is not where I have the problem. Indeed, it's no more awkward than a Sumo walking out in public with naught but his traditional dress (as in clothing, not a skirt) and a loincloth. And even with his design, it's not like Street Fighter hasn't had an increasing interest in sideshow freaks like Necro, Twelve and Q.

However, his moves are well into Power Instinct territory, including a ridiculous Ultra where he gives the appearance of shitting out his opponent. Congratulations, SF fans: you now have your Bo Rai Cho, a character that adds nothing to the proceedings other than being sorely out of place and goofy. Might as well have him rip a huge, loud one when he does it.

Now, you might be saying "But Dan's in there and you don't have any problem with him!" No shit! Dan's hilarious because he's a rip on SNK and a clumsy ass fighter. This jackass, though?

Ono really needs to be slapped hard. He's had 3 new characters that are worth a shit in the game. The rest have been shallow jokes. Enough with the goofy, pseudo-humorous abortions- no more cooking lucha fighters, no more fatass Bob ripoffs, no more Dural clones and enough joke characters, for christ's sakes. I haven't been this turned off on SSFIV since I found out Adon's going to be shit tier and we're getting Cody and not Rolento.

2)

DERPITTY DERP!!

Yep. It's happened.

Now, my hope is that since Sony has a software wing that's actually interested in something other than the umpteenth iteration of Zelda or massive mascot fanwanks, maybe they'll actually produce software that's worth a damn. They already have the better model- they got out a solid console with a solid library and they are aligning this as what it is: a peripheral. Good. And I realize the idea is to open up the market and snare some of the people in the "Wii" market.

The problem is that Sony's already done a hell of a lot right, even without this stupid shit. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Nintendo's marketing department(s) are the big reason it's succeeding, more so than the tech. I'll gladly be proven wrong. But to me, it's a cynical look towards a market that I really don't think has as much staying power as people may say. And I worry that we're going to start losing resources that could be used much more intelligently elsewhere.

Again, I'll probably have to get over it- this isn't a reach out to me, the gamer since 1984. For me, a controller must simply be adequate. And my DS3 is already way ahead of motion tech in that respect.

What's really bugging me is we still have the overwhelming knob-slobbering over Natal to face.

Other irritants of note:

- I love me some Penny Arcade, but Tycho's latest post re: Final Fantasy XIII, PS3 VS. 360 edition, is such a meandering two-step around his disappointment in the PS3 having the better version that it's almost nauseating to read. Especially when he eschews his own advice of buying the better version if you already own both systems in favor of buying a copy for each system. Yep, he owns both- his justification is that this somehow amounts to support for it being on more than one system. A Solomon-like decision, and just as intelligent in the long run.

Dude, seriously: pick one. There's almost no reason for you to be double dipping on a fucking video game, least of all out of some cavalier notion that it's a vote for multi-platform releases. I can understand a gamer who picks the 360 Version because he'd rather have it on 360. If it's for quality reasons, he's wrong, but I understand it. What I'll never understand is essentially paying $120 for one game. Not for Tony Hawk, not for Final Fantasy. Just buy your 360 copy, condemn the goddamn resolution comparisons and be done with it. You know you want to.

- Finally, Portal 2. I'm not mad about the game, but now I'm gonna have to build a new rig to make sure I can play it. Lovely. :/

My Nightly Dose of Rage

God. Damn. It.

I'm really getting sick and tired of people who can't properly use English on a forum. And yes, I"m making an exception for those from another country. After I learned Japanese, I started realizing how each language has its own concepts and rules. I'm not looking for Queen's English, either; I'm sure that by the time this paragraph is done, I'll have left enough mistakes in it to attract a college professor's red pen.

But enough is enough! For fuck's sake!

Here's an example: I'm looking around my main gaming forum, when I spot this gem:

"Street Fighter IV is a reborn of fighting games" is total bullshit.

Now never mind the fact that this sentence is somewhat awkwardly formed and the quote is unnecessary. That's an easy one.

I had the great misfortune of taking Senior-level editing at University of Arizona, which means I only proofread what I write once if I'm feeling lazy that day. And I understand the purpose of communication is to convey ideas, so I don't mind slang or somewhat less-than-stellar performance.

However, I would say that if anybody uttered that sentence within an earshot of me, my eyes would become aglow with crimson flame as I seek out the offender, and, upon getting them to face me, proceed to rip them in half right down their prime meridian. I am not, as they say, a "grammar nazi", as only one of us is engaging in a crime against language mores. I'm really just wantonly overprotective of my senses and what they take in.

Part of this problem can also be explained by the iPhone, which has the issue of putting in word suggestions automatically (depending on your configuration) unless you tap on them. Which is kind of like saying "you're having brocolli for dinner unless you say you want brocolli for dinner." Nothing like having a device do something out of spite. "Oh, you wanna ignore my suggestion? Fuck you, then. Hope you meant to text your wife that you were going to Whorehouse and not Whole Foods." Still, a cursory glance before somebody presses the post button will reveal that you're about to post something that doesn't make any sense.

In fact, such a practice would make the internet almost legible. Perish the thought.

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While I'm at it, let me bring up a gaming related issue: Death, crotch rot and chlamydia to every single person in the fucking "WWAAAAAHH!!! WHY WON'T SQUEENIX REMAKE FFVII?!!!" camp. Die in a car fire already. First off, you're wasting your goddamn time. Nobody's even started on this idea because THEY'RE TAKING FOREVER TO DO EVERYTHING ELSE. FFXIII was in development hell, XIII Versus is now in its place, and Nomura said he wants to do something with Kingdom Hearts (though, just to prove they still have their heads up their asses, he says he wants to do something to continue the main storyline, but not call it a part 3.)

There is absolutely NO FUCKING REASON WHATSOEVER that anybody on this planet should be starving for more FFVII. At all. Under any circumstances. How many more shitty games and overwrought CGI Fanwanks do you need to take place in FFVII's story before you get the hint? IT WILL SUCK. I'm sorry Square had to give the original such a shitty, blue-balls unsatisfying ending, but this why we move on instead of dwelling on it.

This is the same denial Chrono Trigger fans go through when they say the want Chrono Trigger 2, despite every effort by Square to let them know that they're not interested in the continued adventures of Crono, Marle and Lucca. Aren't Radical Dreamers and Chrono Cross proof enough otherwise, especially considering how convoluted Cross' story was and how much of the Trigger story was wrecked?

But you know what? I hope it gets released. Because I know that, much like Dawn of Mana destroyed the Seiken Densetsu fanbase, it will be shitty enough to kill the FFVII fanbase off, hopefully for good.

Oh, and Sephiroth is a momma's boy.

Gundam and other sex crimes

Gundam Vs. Gundam Next Plus on PSP is, without a doubt, the most fun I've had playing a Gundam game so far. One only need consider the American Gundam library- or as I call it, the tripe we've had to put up with for being on the other side of the Pacific- to understand that that while that's high praise, it's not a large amount of it. It's like a pole vaulter who beats the High School record while failing to get a world record: sufficient, but there's certainly room for improvement.

As a fighting game fan, I know a cheap boss when I see one. That I know how to beat the likes of Jinpachi, Goenitz, and Magaki, et al., is proof that I can handle a cheap boss when given time to get to know them better. The boss battles in GVGN+ take the concept of a cheap boss and instead turn it into a very, very unfun version of "monkey in the middle". I'm not sure if the phrase "gangrape" would be inappropriate; in fact, it may be underselling the experience.

Let me begin by stating one problem that has persisted from the original GvG: You are given an AI controlled partner who serves two functions:

1)Jack all of your kills when the enemy is being easy, or even just moderately difficult

2)Sit in the background when a high level enemy comes into play. Due to camera issues, I can't visually verify if it's indeed sitting, nor whether it's thumb is, in fact, occupying its rectal area. But I have my suspicions.

This is annoying enough when your opponent is Nu Gundam, which actually means you have roughly 8 enemies, including its partner and the bits it shoots out . It becomes downright tedious when you're near the end of a route and the computer has decided the game has been sufficiently fun by that point and turns on you viciously.

Unfortunately, Namco/Bandai has also decided that a mere "boss" is insufficient. Which I'd agree with, if said bosses weren't mechanized death factories loaded with numerous versions of death blossoms and other patently unfair advantages such as super armor. No, we get the "boss stage", wherein we fight two mobile suits of the game's choosing (usually 3000 point level suits from the Gundam Overpowered Collection)at the aforementioned high difficulty. Then, and only then, we are greeted by one of the villains of the numerous Gundam timelines in their huge, ultra-mecha.

They are flanked by the 2nd-most powerful suit in their series.

It's sad that the most innocent crime in all of that is violation of canon. Your Gundam is suddenly thrust into a nightmare situation: run the fuck away and spam your beam rifle, or stand there while Nu Gundam, Alpha Azieru and all 12 of their bit/funnel weapons shoot lasers at you. When they're not doing that, you will undoubtedly try to take on the Alpha, which practically gift wraps your suit with a tag that says "To Amuro Ray: Please sodomize me". Presumably, your AI partner is somewhere filming you getting backjacked until you explode,and eventually, you lose enough that the difficulty ramping eases up and you can just barely win out.

Isn't it enough that the target suits are unholy machina bent on your destruction? Do they really need a tag team partner just in case their Fuck You Beam didn't penetrate through to destroy your backside? One battle pitted me against 2 Zetas, complete with temporary god mode enabled, followed by Nu Gundam and ZZ Gundam, followed by 3 HYAKU SHIKIS and Gundam Unicorn. Such a lineup would be an appropriate defense if, say, the very constructs of Time and Space suddenly became violently malicious.

Alas, I still play, and I still have things to unlock. But it saddens me that this genre, which is suffering from decent games, now has to suffer the same overblown challenge-mode bullshit that fighting games put themselves through. It doesn't lead me to better myself; I'm playing as well as can be expected. It leads me to abuse a tactic because it's the only one an overwrought enemy AI didn't plan for.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to flying my amazing Gundam DX in a complete circle while beating the fuck out of the square button. Fun, huh?

Just Call Me 'Ransoomair'

Or however the hell his name is spelled at VGCats, where the updates come as early as the next season. I'm starting to get as bad, but hopefully I can change that soon.

Steam has gotten me to do something I haven't done in years, which is: stock my computer with gaming goodies. For less than 45 dollars, I picked up a bunch of stuff that I had missed and otherwise would've had to buy a 360 for. While I don't hold any more or less disdain for the system than ever, It's really hard for me to pick up another system: currently, I'm rocking 4 of them, including my PSP. And each one has some semblance of a backlog, with my PS2 being the worst- not only do I have a lot of games to get through, they're all quite long, and this is all balancing with work, trying to take care of the apartment, A+ certification studying, getting ready for Fanime, working on a screenplay and coming soon: School.

One thing I will say about the PSP backlog: It got one game shorter. Not because I finished anything, but because I tried playing Tekken 6 on it. The PSP version might be easier to unlock things with, but it leaves a lot to be desired. At least it doesn't have a story mode.

Many of these games are of the Japanese Gundam Game variety, including ones like Another Century's Episode 2 and 3. Sure, there's other suits, but anybody who knows me knows that I bought ACE 3 for a chance to play through a story mode based on Gundam X. I'm already traipsing through part 2 using Kou Uraki, and while I haven't heard his trademark howling of Gato's name, I sit in comfort knowing it won't be long until I do. Also, REALLY looking forward to nuking something with the GP02A. Perhaps a Gundam Wing character or two.

As for this year: yikes, there's a ton of new stuff. Part of the reason I'm trying to get through some of my PS3 backlog is to trade in for new stuff this year, and even then, I'm still behind. There's a lot I missed from last year, such as Katamari Tribute and Uncharted 2. I will be hesitant on picking up Final Fantasy XIII, as readings of some of the features suggests that Versus XIII may stand a better chance of being good. There's also been an announcement of an announcement- something I've come to downright loathe- from Tetsuya Nomura, that a long-talked about game is coming, finally. I won't speculate on what this is, but suffice to say, unless it involves a ps3 and a keyblade, I don't give a shit.

Tekken on the system

Tekken 6 is just that: The sixth iteration of the franchise. By now, you should know full well if it's worth your money or not.

For long time fans like me, the complaints have nothing to do with the fighting, which is where it must excel. They instead reside in things that, I'll admit, I never thought I'd have a problem with. For instance, you don't have your normal menu. You have "Online mode" and "Offline mode", which isn't exactly self-explanatory. Then you go into Offline mode only to find your cursor highlighting the Scenario campaign. The long version: You get to watch a bunch of Story mode schlock, complete with Metal Gear length cutscenes, and then you get to play a side-scrolling beat-em up version of a fairly technical fighter.

The short version: I hope you liked The Bouncer, motherfucker, because you're going to play it again.

And the reason you'll play it again is because you will wish to unlock things, which simply doesn't happen at a very fast rate- this is actually the fastest mode to do it in. Even stranger, if you want to unlock an ending, this is where you do it. Not through arcade mode, or even through the store. Here, and only here, by fighting in the "Arena". Oh, and you can only use people you've already unlocked in the Scenario campaign. It's actually somewhat humorous to leave the arcade mode, with its huge brigade of characters to head into a mode where you have two.

Speaking of characters, there is a robust character customization in place, even allowing some cosplaying to go on. This is important to people like me, who actually think KOF characters aren't in enough (good) games. However, this process is kneecapped by the pittance of cash your fighter is paid for victory: I've but in a fair amount of hours, and, god willing, by the end of this month I might be able to afford a new shirt for Asuka. The wide canyon between how much money you get and how much things cost puts fucking minibars to shame, except for certain accessories, which is my way of saying you'll be able to afford a sword long before you can get your character a hair cut.

So, yeah, the fighting game's intact, and the online's alright, but I'd be lying if I didn't wonder what sort of bizarre experiments were going on at Namco.

Tony Hawk:Ride (more like Deride)

Watch that .gif a few times. Take it in.

Got it? Good.

Now, let me make a few notes about it.

1. This is not a hacked version, nor are there any cheat codes being applied. This is the retail, otherwise untouched, finished product.

2. As far as I know, TH:TR does not feature a level design like Strider's, where gravity switches on you throughout a level.

3. This ill-programmed shovelware bomb sets you back a cool $120, though it does provide you with a board that also wasn't programmed well.

It's been a hard time for the THPS series, which happens when you take a game about skateboarding and indie bands and exchange it for Top 40 radio and riding in grocery carts. Oh, and you fail to innovate throughout 4 or 5 sequels. This being the age of the gimmick, be it plastic instruments, motion controls or ridiculous pack-ins, they decided to technically add all three and do none of them well. Which would be fine if that was step 2- then I could merely write it off as "meh, shovelware". And it would be harmless, as it would be just another Tony Hawk game.

Unfortunately, everything about this game points to the heads at Activision getting the market concept down - Here's a game with a REAL(tm) Skateboard Controller! - and then slacking on the game side of things. There's not an ether on this planet strong enough to get me to believe they ran QA on this atrocity. This has been a really unfortunate side effect of the motion control/instrument side of the gaming industry, and indeed the mainstream popularity of it: mediocrity is acceptable, since hey, we're getting new customers who have no problem with the controller not working properly or the game being shit. I think the best review I've seen is a youtube video where a soccer mom says "for somebody who can barely walk a straight line, this is great!" Not high praise to be lumped in with an activity reserved for field sobriety tests.

And good news: there's already a plan for the sequel. That's okay, I'll be over here working on my Survival Arts skills. Let me know when you can get quality even similar to that of Top Skater, an arcade game that came out 12 years ago.