Where to begin? Well, here's a quick primer.
It's fucking goofy for the first 25 episodes or so. Seriously, there's actual Gundam physical humor in there. There's Bright Noa trying to catch the chicken that just landed on his head. There's the little fucking brats that (*spoiler alert) are actually going to outlive Hayato Kobayashi. There's unnecessary plot twists that defuse the story. There's an incessant need to remind people that they still cling to the One Year War legacies. There's the EXACT SAME GODDAMNED ENEMY STRUCTURE AS IN ZETA.
And that's really the biggest flaw of ZZ- it's not a new series. Paptimus Scirocco is played by Glemy Toto. Haman Kahn is still your main enemy, only this time Char's not around in dark sunglasses. The main character is somebody who ends up in the Gundam and isn't supposed to. Bright, being who he is, shrugs and says "fuck it". And in the end, it all comes down to a fight where machines start suddenly getting unbelievable power from dead people, some of whom the main character never met.
These fights, btw, are ridiculous. Talk as much shit about Gundam 0083 as you want, at least the Neue Ziel and the Dendrobium Orchis were just two machines containing pilots who matched skills. The finales for Zeta and Double Zeta are just Dragon Ball Z fights with mechs and a shorter schedule. And the mechs are mainly vessels for their OVER 9000 antics.
There's the random cyber-newtype somehow getting the hero to go "Yeah, you're my sister, I'm you're brother" even though all they do is threaten to throw a tantrum until he relents. There's the violent cyber-newtype that the hero eventually wins over through his refusal to fight. There's the Feddie brass still being colossal cocks and fucking everyone over. There's the Zeon heads who have no idea what the fuck ideals the original Zeon had.
And even the new stuff is retarded. "Hey, I know we're at war with a bloodthirsty, cultish regime that drops colonies on the planet like a meth addict drops weight. And I know my friends just decided to fuck us over by giving away our position to them in exchange for protection and a place in their society. For the second time. But I just can't stay mad at those knuckleheads. :)"
This is why I could never be a Gundam character. Here's some choice lines you would've heard:
"Bitch, I don't know you, you don't know me, so sit there and cry and piss your pampers all you want, but to quote a great fictional soldier, I, AM NOT, YO' DAMN BROTHER!"
"So they gave away our position and decided they'd be better off with Zeon, huh? Gather the crew, I've got some trash I need to feed to the airlock, just in case any other delinquents think treason's a bold career move."
"Oh, so you don't want me assigning my own pilots? You want these low-rent ensign redshirts in my fucking Gundams? No wonder your last test pilot almost bought it against a Zaku (no offense to the wonderful Christina Mackenzie, btw). Yeah, let's just put that with the rest of your great ideas, like leaving a nuclear bazooka-packing Gundam unlocked with the keys in the ignition."
(Ed. Note: Seriously, Gato didn't even have to unbend a coat hanger to jack the Physalis. Why it took till Unicorn to get a Gundam with a biometric sensor locked to one person, I'll never know. At least Gundam X made it so you had to have the key.)
"Wait, why do we give a shit about this drooling moron? ...A former hero, you say? Yeah, well now, he's Vins Clortho from Ghostbusters as seen through interpretive dance. Give me a ring when he's up for piloting a suit. He appears to be too occupied making derp faces."
Speaking of which, this series fucking loves Kamille Bidan. The whole experience was basically Tomino saying "Hey, Zeta was awesome, wasn't it? And that Kamille kid, wow" while nudging you in the gut as if it's a great joke or something. And he does it every five fucking minutes, only to beat you soundly over the head with it at the end. We get it, dude. You're gay for Kamille. Enough. Write the Yaoi Dojin and move the fuck on.
Other annoying/retarded things:
* The "I love you...psyche! BADOOM" game between Glemy Toto (which is actually an old gaelic term meaning "character that goes in many directions and ends up nowhere) and Roux Louka, member of the Gundam Name Repetition Club with Sai Saici and Roybeav Roy.
* The unending yelling matches. Whether it was Puru with Elle, Puru with Louka, Puru with Judau, Louka with Elle, Elle with Beecha....goddamn, stow it and go out there and fuck somebody up, you idiots. Better that then hearing you whine at each other in loud volumes and ending with your nose turned up and your arms crossed.
* The Haman Kahn fan club. Jesus Christ on a crutch, how many fucking soliloquy spouting whipped buttwits does this woman employ?
* The writing, on the whole. Hey, you know how Mineva Zabi was in peril the whole time? It wasn't her, it was a fake! That's just one of the numerous abortions in this thing, and here's the gag: You're supposed to just go "oh please, it was her, we all know it." Puru Two's fate? It's implied that she dies. Kinda hard to believe "Kill 'em all" Tomino can't be bothered to write about somebody dying. At least the writing that was missing from 0083 ended up in some physical form somewhere. Here, you just kinda shrug and say "Well, I guess that..." and insert theory here.
*Finally, if I ever have to hear another goddamn Gundam protag saying "ADULTS RUIN EVERYTHING", I'm summoning Shonen Bat and getting him a ticket to Narita International to visit Bandai.
All in all, ZZ Gundam proves one thing: Sometimes recycling belongs in the trash. I forced myself to watch this so I can say I've experienced the whole UC saga, and this is the low point so far.
But I still have Char's Counterattack and Victory Gundam to go. I think I know how the Angry Video Game Nerd feels.
/Swigs Rolling Rock
-Trakdown
